1 00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:08,380 Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:08,381 --> 00:00:10,901 Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:10,902 --> 00:00:13,742 Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 4 00:00:13,743 --> 00:00:16,543 Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:16,544 --> 00:00:19,064 Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:19,065 --> 00:00:21,586 Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:21,587 --> 00:00:26,706 Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat 8 00:00:26,709 --> 00:00:30,788 The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... 9 00:00:30,790 --> 00:00:35,430 Horrible Histories. 10 00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:43,993 The famous Battle of Hastings took place in 1066. 11 00:00:43,996 --> 00:00:48,035 If you want to know what happened, look at the Bayeux Tapestry. 12 00:00:48,037 --> 00:00:50,157 It tells the whole story. 13 00:00:57,241 --> 00:00:59,120 ..she fell over! 14 00:00:59,122 --> 00:01:02,961 You're watching News At 1066, with me, Dagbar Broadaxe... 15 00:01:02,964 --> 00:01:04,843 ..and me, Matilda Highwimple. 16 00:01:04,844 --> 00:01:08,363 We bring you news of a major battle at Hastings on the Sussex coast. 17 00:01:08,366 --> 00:01:11,325 Reports of the battle are only just beginning to reach us, 18 00:01:11,326 --> 00:01:14,207 - live by tapestry. - We must apologise for the time delay, 19 00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:17,087 but these scenes have taken a while to embroider. 20 00:01:17,090 --> 00:01:20,209 It all seems to have started with the funeral of King Edward, 21 00:01:20,211 --> 00:01:22,490 after which Harold became King of England, 22 00:01:22,492 --> 00:01:25,531 and this annoyed William of Normandy who thought the crown 23 00:01:25,533 --> 00:01:27,012 had been promised to him. 24 00:01:27,014 --> 00:01:29,773 These exclusive pictures show the Normans building 25 00:01:29,775 --> 00:01:33,854 their invasion fleet, stockpiling weapons and setting sail for England. 26 00:01:33,857 --> 00:01:37,776 No resistance when they landed as Harold was away fighting Vikings 27 00:01:37,778 --> 00:01:39,097 in Yorkshire at the time. 28 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,818 Do we know yet what the Normans did when they landed? 29 00:01:41,820 --> 00:01:45,179 Well, Matilda, they do come from France so they cooked themselves 30 00:01:45,181 --> 00:01:46,580 a massive meal. 31 00:01:46,582 --> 00:01:49,581 Let's take a look now at the war zone itself. 32 00:01:49,583 --> 00:01:51,822 This report contains scenes of violence 33 00:01:51,823 --> 00:01:55,024 - which viewers may find disturbing. - We're in the thick of battle 34 00:01:55,025 --> 00:01:58,384 and it looks like the English infantry have left the high ground 35 00:01:58,387 --> 00:02:01,826 - and been trapped by the Norman cavalry... - Sorry to interrupt. 36 00:02:01,828 --> 00:02:05,987 We're getting some breaking news. It looks like King Harold... 37 00:02:05,990 --> 00:02:09,109 has been killed. That's what we're hearing. 38 00:02:09,111 --> 00:02:10,910 Yes, King Harold has been killed. 39 00:02:10,912 --> 00:02:13,951 We don't know yet whether King Harold is the one you can see 40 00:02:13,953 --> 00:02:16,792 with the arrow in his eye or the one on the right, 41 00:02:16,794 --> 00:02:19,793 being chopped down with the sword, it could be either. 42 00:02:19,796 --> 00:02:22,635 It looks like it's all over. 43 00:02:22,637 --> 00:02:26,836 So, William is now officially the Conqueror and the Normans 44 00:02:26,838 --> 00:02:28,957 have taken over Anglo-Saxon England. 45 00:02:28,959 --> 00:02:30,998 It's a truly sad day for us all. 46 00:02:30,999 --> 00:02:33,280 - FRENCH ACCENT: - What's that you are saying? 47 00:02:33,281 --> 00:02:36,040 I was actually going to say it was a very happy day. 48 00:02:36,042 --> 00:02:38,281 Oh, happy day. Isn't that right, Matilda? 49 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,602 Yes, Dagbert. Ooh, yippee. 50 00:02:41,605 --> 00:02:42,964 Yes. Bonjour! 51 00:02:42,965 --> 00:02:46,484 Most historians think the Bayeux Tapestry was made in Canterbury 52 00:02:46,487 --> 00:02:49,126 in Kent, a few years after 1066. 53 00:02:49,128 --> 00:02:53,367 Today, it is in a museum in Bayeaux in France. 54 00:02:53,370 --> 00:02:56,929 Tickets are 8 Euros for adults, 4 for children and rats go free 55 00:02:56,931 --> 00:02:59,570 if they shimmy down the drainpipe, ha-ha-ha-ha! 56 00:02:59,572 --> 00:03:01,811 And it wasn't just tapestries. 57 00:03:01,813 --> 00:03:06,172 War provided inspiration for songs in the Middle Ages as well. 58 00:03:06,175 --> 00:03:11,014 Out now! The latest album from Middle Ages French troubadour, 59 00:03:11,017 --> 00:03:12,457 Bertran de Born... 60 00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:55,874 Lyre solo! 61 00:03:55,875 --> 00:03:58,595 Also featuring his other best-ever lyrics... 62 00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:12,240 Buy it now before Bertrand gives up and becomes a monk! 63 00:04:12,242 --> 00:04:16,161 Listen, kiddo. You were dreadful. Just dreadful. 64 00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:17,603 'ow dare you?! 65 00:04:17,604 --> 00:04:20,724 When you become a monk, I hope you take a vow of silence. 66 00:04:22,326 --> 00:04:25,565 Zat Simon Cowell is so nasty and 'orrible. 67 00:04:25,568 --> 00:04:27,927 I must write a song about 'im! 68 00:04:27,929 --> 00:04:32,088 Simon Cow-ell Simon Cow-ell 69 00:04:32,090 --> 00:04:35,330 Your trousers are too high And everybody prefers Cheryl... 70 00:04:40,774 --> 00:04:43,893 Victorian Britain was a very dangerous place to grow up. 71 00:04:43,895 --> 00:04:47,574 In fact, only half of Victorian children lived to the age of five. 72 00:04:47,577 --> 00:04:48,736 Good day. 73 00:04:48,737 --> 00:04:51,097 EASTENDERS THEME TUNE 74 00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:57,220 Right, better give these dishes a good clean. 75 00:04:59,582 --> 00:05:00,741 Oh, hello, love. 76 00:05:00,742 --> 00:05:02,341 You're back early. 77 00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,102 How was the factory? 78 00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:06,223 You are not going to believe this. 79 00:05:06,225 --> 00:05:09,664 The managers wound the clock forward half hour, 80 00:05:09,666 --> 00:05:13,265 then fined us for being half hour late. 81 00:05:13,268 --> 00:05:15,867 - Oh, honestly! - Unbelievable. 82 00:05:15,869 --> 00:05:18,988 - Dad? - What is it, seventh child? 83 00:05:18,990 --> 00:05:21,389 - It's my birthday. - Is it? 84 00:05:21,391 --> 00:05:24,670 - How old are you? - Five. - Five?! 85 00:05:24,672 --> 00:05:29,591 - Well done, lad! - So...you haven't got me a present? 86 00:05:29,594 --> 00:05:33,153 - We didn't think you'd make it this far. - What would you like? 87 00:05:33,156 --> 00:05:34,235 I'd like a name. 88 00:05:34,236 --> 00:05:35,755 A name? 89 00:05:35,757 --> 00:05:38,836 Well, the thing is, son... 90 00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:41,837 Coming up with good names is very tricky. 91 00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:47,038 Given you only had a 50% chance of surviving as far as you have, 92 00:05:47,042 --> 00:05:49,001 we just thought we wouldn't bother. 93 00:05:49,002 --> 00:05:51,521 That's why we call you seventh child. 94 00:05:51,523 --> 00:05:54,482 I suppose he could have a name. 95 00:05:54,485 --> 00:05:56,964 It is his birthday, after all. 96 00:05:56,966 --> 00:05:59,005 OK. Um... 97 00:05:59,007 --> 00:06:02,126 Oh! What about...Jack? 98 00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:04,367 Ah! Jack it is then! 99 00:06:04,369 --> 00:06:07,248 Oh! I've got an even better present for you. 100 00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:09,209 - What is it? - A job. 101 00:06:09,211 --> 00:06:11,130 - Oh! - Now you're five years old, 102 00:06:11,132 --> 00:06:13,891 you can come and work in the factory with your old dad. 103 00:06:13,893 --> 00:06:16,772 You start tomorrow, 6 o'clock sharp. 104 00:06:16,774 --> 00:06:20,893 Actually, best make it 5.30, in case they try that clock trick again. 105 00:06:20,896 --> 00:06:23,855 How will we top this for his next birthday?! 106 00:06:23,857 --> 00:06:26,976 He'll be cleaning the cogs in the new machine at the factory, 107 00:06:26,978 --> 00:06:29,738 so I don't think we need to worry about next birthday. 108 00:06:32,901 --> 00:06:35,100 It's true. In Victorian times, 109 00:06:35,102 --> 00:06:38,021 many poor children went to work in dangerous factories 110 00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,142 from the age of five! Five! 111 00:06:40,144 --> 00:06:43,583 Some people got to work in nice, posh houses instead. 112 00:06:43,585 --> 00:06:46,865 But then - that wasn't much fun either. 113 00:06:48,307 --> 00:06:49,866 Hi! I'm a shouty man! 114 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:52,707 I'm here to tell you about new Victorian Maid, 115 00:06:52,709 --> 00:06:55,309 the labour-saving revolution! 116 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:10,714 ..or at least without getting a break! 117 00:07:10,716 --> 00:07:15,715 Is there no end to what Victorian Maid can do? 118 00:07:15,718 --> 00:07:17,837 Not if you give it a long enough list! 119 00:07:17,839 --> 00:07:18,889 What's more... 120 00:07:26,283 --> 00:07:28,962 ..then we'll replace it with a younger model, 121 00:07:28,964 --> 00:07:31,284 for the same low, low price! 122 00:07:34,326 --> 00:07:38,245 ..and we'll include this unique honesty test, free of charge! 123 00:07:38,248 --> 00:07:41,967 Simply place the coin under a rug and if it's not found, 124 00:07:41,969 --> 00:07:43,208 that's bad cleaning! 125 00:07:43,210 --> 00:07:45,809 Time to replace Victorian Maid! CRASH! 126 00:07:45,811 --> 00:07:48,410 Or if it is found, and not given back to you, 127 00:07:48,412 --> 00:07:52,691 that's dishonest! Time to replace Victorian Maid! CRASH! 128 00:07:52,694 --> 00:07:56,694 New Victorian Maid can be yours for the incredible low, low price... 129 00:07:59,817 --> 00:08:01,136 Now, that's a bargain! 130 00:08:01,137 --> 00:08:03,457 Try new Victorian Maid today! 131 00:08:10,261 --> 00:08:12,940 So I think we've established we Victorians 132 00:08:12,942 --> 00:08:14,901 were pretty vile to each other. 133 00:08:14,903 --> 00:08:18,582 Well, we were pretty vile to other creatures, too. 134 00:08:18,584 --> 00:08:19,784 Oh, yes, we were. 135 00:08:24,707 --> 00:08:26,946 Greetings, terror lovers. 136 00:08:26,948 --> 00:08:29,467 I am Vincenzo Laffov. 137 00:08:29,469 --> 00:08:33,948 This week's sca-a-ary story is from the Victorian Times. 138 00:08:33,951 --> 00:08:36,111 It's called...The Freaks! 139 00:08:37,832 --> 00:08:41,351 It was in the reign of Queen Victoria, a most eerie era 140 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,913 of fearful years, when a dark new trend gripped the world - 141 00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,834 the freakshow! 142 00:08:46,836 --> 00:08:48,795 JAUNTY CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS 143 00:08:48,797 --> 00:08:52,196 That could not be less like the music I had in mind. 144 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,997 Try track seven. 145 00:08:53,999 --> 00:08:56,318 MORE JAUNTY CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS 146 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,559 Track eight? 147 00:08:57,561 --> 00:09:00,360 GOTHIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS 148 00:09:00,362 --> 00:09:02,921 The freakshow was a most vulgar place 149 00:09:02,923 --> 00:09:05,602 where those with unusual bodies or unique gifts 150 00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:10,123 were made to perform, as freaks, for the amusement of a gasping public. 151 00:09:10,126 --> 00:09:12,765 But amongst the bearded ladies and pin-headed men 152 00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:16,406 lurked a creature truly deserving of the name...freak. 153 00:09:16,408 --> 00:09:18,248 The Fiji Mermaid! 154 00:09:19,490 --> 00:09:23,289 The crazed creature had a head and arms almost human in appearance. 155 00:09:23,291 --> 00:09:26,730 But, from the waist down, it's body was that of a fish! 156 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,572 But this mermaid was not alive. 157 00:09:28,574 --> 00:09:33,053 Just imagine the shock, the fear, the REVULSION, felt by those 158 00:09:33,055 --> 00:09:36,014 who witnessed a true, living, breathing freak! 159 00:09:36,017 --> 00:09:38,256 The pig-faced lady! 160 00:09:38,258 --> 00:09:40,537 OINK! OINK! 161 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,737 That's just not scary, is it? 162 00:09:42,739 --> 00:09:44,298 Can we try slowing it down? 163 00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:47,379 GRUNT! GRUNT! 164 00:09:47,381 --> 00:09:48,900 It'll have to do. 165 00:09:48,902 --> 00:09:52,661 As the eager public entered her tent, 166 00:09:52,664 --> 00:09:53,943 there was the lady! 167 00:09:53,944 --> 00:09:58,863 Her eyes dark and hooded, her face wide and grizzled. 168 00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:02,105 Her nose pushed forwards into a wet, wrinkled snout. 169 00:10:02,107 --> 00:10:05,346 From her cavernous mouth came not a voice, but growls 170 00:10:05,349 --> 00:10:07,828 and snorts that shook the tent around her. 171 00:10:07,830 --> 00:10:10,869 What was this pig-faced lady? 172 00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:14,110 And the answer - it was... 173 00:10:14,112 --> 00:10:17,392 a shaved bear...what? 174 00:10:19,715 --> 00:10:23,914 The pig-faced lady wasn't a lady, it was a drugged bear? 175 00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:25,515 With its fur shaved off? 176 00:10:25,517 --> 00:10:27,716 And the mermaid was a dead monkey?! 177 00:10:27,718 --> 00:10:29,717 Sewn onto a fish? 178 00:10:29,719 --> 00:10:32,318 And covered in papier mache? 179 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:36,639 Can someone on this production please get a dictionary 180 00:10:36,642 --> 00:10:39,041 and look up the word "scary"? 181 00:10:39,043 --> 00:10:41,922 I turned down a film premiere to do this, you know. 182 00:10:41,924 --> 00:10:46,043 But I'm here, reading some rubbish about dead monkeys. 183 00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,925 That's it. 184 00:10:47,926 --> 00:10:49,365 I'm burning the book. 185 00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:51,806 Don't try and stop me. No, no, get off! 186 00:10:51,808 --> 00:10:53,048 I'm burning it! 187 00:11:03,253 --> 00:11:07,292 Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome to Historical Fashion Fix. 188 00:11:07,294 --> 00:11:10,333 This week, I'll be making over a smelly Celtic farmer, 189 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,416 so best take some precautions. 190 00:11:13,577 --> 00:11:15,976 Let's meet Drostan. 191 00:11:15,978 --> 00:11:17,537 You look perfectly clean! 192 00:11:17,539 --> 00:11:21,178 - HE SNIFFS - You smell good too! 193 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:25,499 - Celts do use soap. - My apologies, Drostan, let's start over. 194 00:11:25,502 --> 00:11:29,341 - Tell us a bit about yourself. - I hate Romans. - OK. 195 00:11:29,344 --> 00:11:31,583 - And any hobbies? - Hating Romans. 196 00:11:31,585 --> 00:11:35,264 Well, you're in luck, because I'll be making you over 197 00:11:35,266 --> 00:11:39,105 as the ultimate Celtic warrior, a Roman-killing psycho. 198 00:11:39,108 --> 00:11:43,947 - (Yes!) - First, let's do something about that ridiculous moustache. 199 00:11:43,950 --> 00:11:46,750 It isn't nearly ridiculous enough! 200 00:11:48,392 --> 00:11:51,471 There! Shorter hair and a longer moustache, 201 00:11:51,473 --> 00:11:53,752 that really says Celtic warrior. 202 00:11:53,754 --> 00:11:58,673 The hair is spiked and bleached using crushed up limestone - 203 00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,355 natures all-in-one bleach and hair gel. 204 00:12:01,357 --> 00:12:02,476 Nice. 205 00:12:02,477 --> 00:12:03,756 You go, Drostan. 206 00:12:03,758 --> 00:12:06,397 - So, can I go and kill some Romans now? - Soon. 207 00:12:06,399 --> 00:12:10,879 - First, we have to get you out of those clothes. - All right. 208 00:12:12,522 --> 00:12:15,161 - So, what am I going to wear? - Nothing. 209 00:12:15,163 --> 00:12:16,322 W-what? 210 00:12:16,323 --> 00:12:19,202 Well, you do get to wear this... 211 00:12:19,204 --> 00:12:20,923 There. 212 00:12:20,925 --> 00:12:25,764 - What, is that it? - Your neck band is carved with signs to bring you 213 00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:29,526 - good luck in battle. - I'm going to need it, aren't I, mate? 214 00:12:29,529 --> 00:12:33,128 If I'm fighting in my birthday suit. I'm nude! Look at me, I'm nude. 215 00:12:33,130 --> 00:12:35,769 All right. Going to have some trouble with this one. 216 00:12:35,771 --> 00:12:38,370 We've got some woad leaves here. 217 00:12:38,372 --> 00:12:41,731 And I've squished up the seeds into a lovely blue dye. 218 00:12:41,734 --> 00:12:43,694 Whoa, what are you doing with that? 219 00:12:45,335 --> 00:12:48,614 There, every inch the Celtic warrior. 220 00:12:48,615 --> 00:12:49,656 I look ridiculous. 221 00:12:49,657 --> 00:12:51,416 The flowers were my idea. 222 00:12:51,418 --> 00:12:54,497 What flowers...? Oh! 223 00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:56,778 What's he doing? 224 00:12:56,780 --> 00:12:58,179 HE GROWLS ANGRILY 225 00:12:58,181 --> 00:13:00,020 What are you doing?! 226 00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:03,820 Working my way up into a Celtic warrior battle frenzy. 227 00:13:03,823 --> 00:13:07,742 I go absolutely bananas and then kill everything in my path. 228 00:13:07,744 --> 00:13:09,783 Not on my show... 229 00:13:09,785 --> 00:13:11,185 sister. 230 00:13:13,107 --> 00:13:15,586 That's it for this week. Join us next time, 231 00:13:15,588 --> 00:13:18,987 when I'll be teaching a Saxon monk how to jazz up his cassock 232 00:13:18,989 --> 00:13:22,308 with a viking's axe in his head. See you then. 233 00:13:22,311 --> 00:13:24,710 - I'm really sorry about... - It's OK. 234 00:13:24,712 --> 00:13:27,991 It's true, some Celtic warriors fought naked. 235 00:13:27,993 --> 00:13:32,072 Yeah, they believed that if the gods decided today was their day to die, 236 00:13:32,075 --> 00:13:35,714 then all the armour in the world wasn't going to protect them. 237 00:13:35,716 --> 00:13:38,515 And did you know, one of the most famous Celtic warriors 238 00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:41,077 was actually a woman? 239 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,879 Gonna cause a stink 240 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,959 Won't be the first to blink 241 00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,160 I'm not who you think Don't mess with me 242 00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:53,282 I'm Boudicca 243 00:13:55,244 --> 00:13:58,923 My husband Prasutagus died He was a Celtic king 244 00:13:58,926 --> 00:14:02,285 I was his queen, so due to me Was half of everything 245 00:14:02,287 --> 00:14:06,806 Roman law gave half to me So half was what they got 246 00:14:06,809 --> 00:14:09,928 Till their nasty soldiers came And took the blessed lot 247 00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:13,409 Hey, mister, I'd say You got the wrong end of the stick 248 00:14:13,412 --> 00:14:17,491 His answer turned this sister Into one angry chick 249 00:14:17,493 --> 00:14:19,172 No man, Roman 250 00:14:19,174 --> 00:14:20,973 Will push around this woman 251 00:14:20,975 --> 00:14:24,574 You won't get far with Boudicca 252 00:14:24,576 --> 00:14:26,575 Foe man, yeoman 253 00:14:26,577 --> 00:14:28,376 Smash the Roman foe man 254 00:14:28,378 --> 00:14:29,817 All say yah 255 00:14:29,819 --> 00:14:31,659 - Yah! - Boudicca 256 00:14:35,741 --> 00:14:39,300 I built a massive army Headed straight for the city 257 00:14:39,302 --> 00:14:42,861 Beat 'em all with ease And like me, it wasn't pretty 258 00:14:42,864 --> 00:14:46,703 Chopped 'em and hacked But what made their red blood curl 259 00:14:46,706 --> 00:14:50,425 Bad enough being beaten But beaten by a girl?! 260 00:14:50,427 --> 00:14:52,226 Whacked 'em, smacked 'em 261 00:14:52,228 --> 00:14:53,987 Boy, how we attacked 'em 262 00:14:53,989 --> 00:14:57,468 Near and far Hah-hah-hah! 263 00:14:57,470 --> 00:15:01,309 Flayed 'em, slayed 'em Up and down parade 'em 264 00:15:01,312 --> 00:15:05,111 Boudicca Toughest by far 265 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,032 Colchester, London, St Albans 266 00:15:07,034 --> 00:15:09,394 Everybody talk about dead Romans 267 00:15:12,396 --> 00:15:14,035 We marched on up the Roman road 268 00:15:14,037 --> 00:15:15,916 That's known as Watling Street 269 00:15:15,918 --> 00:15:17,517 They trapped us in the forest 270 00:15:17,518 --> 00:15:19,957 Then thrashed us to our defeat 271 00:15:19,959 --> 00:15:23,278 By now you've guessed I'm not The kind of girl to sit and cry 272 00:15:23,281 --> 00:15:26,480 Be sold a slave to Romans? You know I'd rather die 273 00:15:26,482 --> 00:15:30,521 They tried to take me prisoner So I led the Roman boys on 274 00:15:30,524 --> 00:15:34,403 Instead of giving in to them I swallowed special poison 275 00:15:34,405 --> 00:15:38,004 Martyr, smarter Capture a non-starter 276 00:15:38,007 --> 00:15:41,646 This was our last hurrah 277 00:15:41,648 --> 00:15:43,367 Slaughtered, dismembered 278 00:15:43,369 --> 00:15:45,488 Our tribe always remembered 279 00:15:45,490 --> 00:15:49,089 Boudicca, superstar 280 00:15:49,091 --> 00:15:50,570 Boudicca 281 00:15:50,572 --> 00:15:52,371 Superstar. 282 00:15:52,373 --> 00:15:54,853 Don't diss this miss. 283 00:15:59,936 --> 00:16:03,135 Everyone knows that weddings can be a bit boring. 284 00:16:03,137 --> 00:16:06,016 But King Charles I certainly made sure that his bride 285 00:16:06,018 --> 00:16:08,058 would never forget their wedding day. 286 00:16:12,981 --> 00:16:15,100 IN FRENCH ACCENT: You look beautiful. 287 00:16:15,102 --> 00:16:17,861 Thank you. 288 00:16:17,863 --> 00:16:19,222 Who are you? 289 00:16:19,224 --> 00:16:21,583 Oh, sorry, I am the Duc de Chevreuse. 290 00:16:21,585 --> 00:16:23,544 I am going to marry you today. Enchante. 291 00:16:23,546 --> 00:16:26,345 What? Where's King Charles I? 292 00:16:26,347 --> 00:16:28,906 I'm supposed to marry him. Not you. 293 00:16:28,908 --> 00:16:31,187 You could do worse. I'm a duke. 294 00:16:31,189 --> 00:16:33,828 - He's a king! - Oh, yeah. Yes, I suppose he is. 295 00:16:33,830 --> 00:16:37,349 Anyway, he said to say he's very sorry but he's a bit busy, 296 00:16:37,351 --> 00:16:40,870 so would you mind if I stood in for him for the whole wedding thing? 297 00:16:40,873 --> 00:16:42,232 Stood in? 298 00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:45,072 Yeah, well, you know, it's a bit difficult for him. 299 00:16:45,075 --> 00:16:48,914 There's this dirty business with religion - you're Catholic, he's not. 300 00:16:48,916 --> 00:16:50,755 Plus you're in France, he's not. 301 00:16:50,757 --> 00:16:53,436 So in the end, I just thought it might be easier to... 302 00:16:53,438 --> 00:16:55,517 pop down and get married for him. 303 00:16:55,519 --> 00:16:57,518 Does he not want to marry me, then? 304 00:16:57,519 --> 00:17:00,480 Oh, no, no, no, no. He's got this whole second wedding planned 305 00:17:00,481 --> 00:17:02,440 when you get to England next month. 306 00:17:02,442 --> 00:17:05,481 A big church in Canterbury, a nice Protestant ceremony, 307 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:06,882 big silly cake! 308 00:17:06,884 --> 00:17:09,403 - OK, then. - Magnifique. 309 00:17:09,405 --> 00:17:10,804 Ready when you are. 310 00:17:10,805 --> 00:17:13,764 Do you, Henrietta Maria, 311 00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:17,446 take a man who is not here but somehow knows this man, 312 00:17:17,448 --> 00:17:20,727 to be your lawfully wedded husband? 313 00:17:20,729 --> 00:17:22,448 I do. 314 00:17:22,450 --> 00:17:24,689 And does King Charles I 315 00:17:24,691 --> 00:17:28,530 take this woman to be his lawfully wedded wife? 316 00:17:28,533 --> 00:17:30,332 Yeah, apparently he does. 317 00:17:30,333 --> 00:17:32,972 Then I now pronounce you friend of the husband 318 00:17:32,975 --> 00:17:34,974 and somebody else's wife. 319 00:17:34,975 --> 00:17:37,255 You may kiss the other fellow's bride. 320 00:17:38,737 --> 00:17:42,296 How dare you! I am the wife of King Charles I... 321 00:17:42,298 --> 00:17:44,777 I think... Sort of. 322 00:17:44,779 --> 00:17:47,859 I'm so sorry, I always cry at weddings. 323 00:17:50,542 --> 00:17:53,341 It's true, Charles I didn't want 324 00:17:53,343 --> 00:17:55,742 a Catholic wedding in a foreign country. 325 00:17:55,744 --> 00:17:58,423 So he got the Duc de Chevreuse to stand in for him. 326 00:17:58,425 --> 00:18:00,224 In fact, thanks to King Charles 327 00:18:00,226 --> 00:18:04,905 there were lots of crazy goings- on in church in the Stuart era. 328 00:18:04,908 --> 00:18:07,227 Here endeth the lesson. 329 00:18:07,229 --> 00:18:08,348 ALL: Amen. 330 00:18:08,349 --> 00:18:10,788 Now, before we begin prayers today, 331 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:14,829 I have to inform you there's to be a wee change to the proceedings. 332 00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:17,631 "A wee change." I don't like the sound of that... 333 00:18:17,633 --> 00:18:20,112 Please, it's a decree from our King, Charles I, 334 00:18:20,114 --> 00:18:24,833 which demands we now use these new Church of England prayer books. 335 00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:26,795 So if we could just turn to page 109... 336 00:18:26,797 --> 00:18:28,476 What? 337 00:18:28,478 --> 00:18:32,357 We're Scottish. We don't need some prayer book from England. 338 00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:35,678 We're happy with our own prayer books, thank you very much. 339 00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:38,241 I know, but the King wants all church services in Britain 340 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:40,281 - to be the same, so... - We're Puritans, 341 00:18:40,282 --> 00:18:44,641 we like our services to be plain and simple like our prayer books. 342 00:18:44,644 --> 00:18:47,843 Not all elaborate and fancy like the English ones. 343 00:18:47,846 --> 00:18:50,165 Aye, who cares what the King says? 344 00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:51,286 MURMUR OF AGREEMENT 345 00:18:51,287 --> 00:18:53,206 I have to read from it, it's the law. 346 00:18:53,208 --> 00:18:55,367 I'll get into trouble if I don't. 347 00:18:55,369 --> 00:18:58,208 You're no' right, you. I'm no' happy. 348 00:18:58,210 --> 00:19:02,409 Please... Right, I knew there'd be trouble. Good job I came prepared. 349 00:19:02,412 --> 00:19:03,891 Right... 350 00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:07,171 Let's just be absolutely clear, shall we? 351 00:19:07,174 --> 00:19:09,773 Hands up who's happy to read from 352 00:19:09,775 --> 00:19:12,255 the new Church of England prayer book? 353 00:19:14,137 --> 00:19:16,616 I thought so. 354 00:19:16,618 --> 00:19:18,377 Our father... 355 00:19:18,378 --> 00:19:20,458 which art in heaven... 356 00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:27,701 ..hallowed be thy name. 357 00:19:37,346 --> 00:19:42,025 Welcome back to HHTV Sport, bringing you exclusive live sporting events 358 00:19:42,028 --> 00:19:43,387 from the past. 359 00:19:43,389 --> 00:19:45,268 Today, we're at the Georgian Games. 360 00:19:45,269 --> 00:19:48,988 We can go ringside with John and Steve for our big fight live. 361 00:19:48,991 --> 00:19:51,150 And what a spectacle we're in for. 362 00:19:51,152 --> 00:19:55,031 Good afternoon, there's a real sense of excitement for today's big fight. 363 00:19:55,034 --> 00:19:58,473 There certainly is, John. These players look very evenly matched. 364 00:19:58,475 --> 00:20:00,434 We could be in for a real corker. 365 00:20:00,436 --> 00:20:01,515 Seconds out... 366 00:20:01,516 --> 00:20:02,835 BELL RINGS ..round one. 367 00:20:02,837 --> 00:20:05,276 And they're straight in to the first pinch. 368 00:20:05,278 --> 00:20:07,997 Oh, it's a good strong pinch to the upper arm there. 369 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:11,958 And he's showing no signs of pain whatsoever. 370 00:20:11,959 --> 00:20:14,601 That's what you've got to do to win a Georgian pinching match. 371 00:20:14,602 --> 00:20:18,761 For those unfamiliar with the game, could you remind us of the rules? 372 00:20:18,763 --> 00:20:22,322 The two competitors stand toe- to-toe and simply take it in turns 373 00:20:22,325 --> 00:20:24,564 - to pinch each other. - Right. 374 00:20:24,566 --> 00:20:26,925 They can't cry out. If they do, it's game over. 375 00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:28,806 So if I was to do this... 376 00:20:28,808 --> 00:20:30,207 Ow! 377 00:20:30,208 --> 00:20:33,207 - ..I'd have won the game. - Yeah, and if I were to do this... - Ahh! 378 00:20:33,209 --> 00:20:34,648 ..I would have won the game. 379 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,170 Ow, seriously! 380 00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:42,692 Aaaagh! 381 00:20:42,693 --> 00:20:45,132 Oh, it's all over, let's look at that final pinch 382 00:20:45,134 --> 00:20:47,133 once again, in slow motion. 383 00:20:47,135 --> 00:20:49,934 Yes, it's a clinical pinch to the ribs. 384 00:20:49,936 --> 00:20:52,975 - That looks like it hurt. - Absolutely. 385 00:20:52,978 --> 00:20:56,537 So, let's see what's coming up in these Georgian Games. 386 00:20:56,539 --> 00:21:00,018 4pm, we have the greased-goose grabbing final. 387 00:21:00,020 --> 00:21:03,339 And at 5pm, live and exclusive, we have women fighting for money. 388 00:21:03,342 --> 00:21:05,221 And what about the football, John? 389 00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:07,502 - No, football's rubbish. - Well, I like it. 390 00:21:07,504 --> 00:21:09,023 It's a fad, Steve, it's a fad. 391 00:21:09,024 --> 00:21:11,583 I'm sure long after people have gone off football, 392 00:21:11,585 --> 00:21:15,144 they'll still be into pinching matches and greased-goose grabbing. 393 00:21:15,147 --> 00:21:16,826 Back to the studio. 394 00:21:16,827 --> 00:21:20,826 That's right, Georgians used to enjoy watching people 395 00:21:20,829 --> 00:21:23,508 trying to grab a dead, greased goose. 396 00:21:23,510 --> 00:21:26,749 The winner was the one who pulled its head off. Eugh! 397 00:21:26,752 --> 00:21:28,671 And if you think that's shocking, 398 00:21:28,672 --> 00:21:32,912 then you obviously haven't heard about our Georgian army. 399 00:21:35,035 --> 00:21:37,434 Hello, sergeant, I'm your new recruit. 400 00:21:37,436 --> 00:21:40,875 Come to serve your country, have you? That's very noble of you, sir. 401 00:21:40,877 --> 00:21:43,156 Have you signed your army contract, sir? 402 00:21:43,158 --> 00:21:44,557 Certainly have, there it is. 403 00:21:44,559 --> 00:21:46,638 Right, you horrible little man, 404 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:49,360 why aren't you in uniform? You're a disgrace to the army. 405 00:21:49,361 --> 00:21:51,040 Here, put this jacket on. 406 00:21:51,042 --> 00:21:53,921 - It's not very camouflaged, is it? - Of course it isn't. 407 00:21:53,923 --> 00:21:56,482 We want your mates to be able to see you easily 408 00:21:56,484 --> 00:21:59,323 and not shoot you when you're on a smoky battlefield. 409 00:21:59,325 --> 00:22:02,404 Won't the enemy be able to easily see me on the battlefield? 410 00:22:02,406 --> 00:22:03,485 Of course they will, 411 00:22:03,487 --> 00:22:07,086 they'll be standing 50 yards away in a straight line shooting at you. 412 00:22:07,088 --> 00:22:09,167 That's how Georgian armies fight. 413 00:22:09,169 --> 00:22:10,728 Left-right, left-right... 414 00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:13,569 Get your knees up, you horrible little man. 415 00:22:13,571 --> 00:22:15,490 The army thrives on discipline. 416 00:22:15,492 --> 00:22:18,851 You'll be practising drill three hours a day, every day, 417 00:22:18,853 --> 00:22:20,572 and you will like it. 418 00:22:20,574 --> 00:22:22,093 Recruit...halt! 419 00:22:22,095 --> 00:22:23,894 HE PANTS 420 00:22:23,895 --> 00:22:25,174 You hungry, son? 421 00:22:25,176 --> 00:22:28,415 - Good, it's time for your rations. - Oh, good. 422 00:22:28,417 --> 00:22:29,976 Eugh, it's covered in maggots. 423 00:22:29,978 --> 00:22:33,057 Oh, you'll get used to that. I call that extra-meat rations. 424 00:22:33,059 --> 00:22:36,458 That's good old, honest Georgian army food, that is. 425 00:22:36,461 --> 00:22:38,740 Right, time for rifle practice. 426 00:22:38,741 --> 00:22:42,540 I will now present you with your weapon. It's called a Brown Bess. 427 00:22:42,543 --> 00:22:44,582 - Lovely, isn't she? - Cool, may I? 428 00:22:44,584 --> 00:22:47,464 Yeah, just hold it up to your shoulder and pull the trigger. 429 00:22:48,546 --> 00:22:51,105 Sorry about that, you're left handed, aren't you? 430 00:22:51,106 --> 00:22:53,467 You can only fire the Brown Bess with your right hand, 431 00:22:53,468 --> 00:22:55,667 otherwise the flash goes off in your face. 432 00:22:55,668 --> 00:22:58,027 I don't want to be in the army anymore. 433 00:22:58,029 --> 00:22:59,868 Oh, it's too late for that, son. 434 00:22:59,870 --> 00:23:02,589 You're mine for the next ten years. 435 00:23:02,591 --> 00:23:04,430 Now, on the double, quick-march. 436 00:23:04,432 --> 00:23:06,311 Left-right, left-right... 437 00:23:06,313 --> 00:23:08,272 Oh, forgotten his rations. 438 00:23:08,274 --> 00:23:11,913 That's more for me. Oh, look, there's a beetle there. 439 00:23:11,915 --> 00:23:16,115 Mmm, I like the crunchy shell. Oh, that's lovely that. 440 00:23:20,479 --> 00:23:22,558 Ancient Egyptian Queen Cleopatra 441 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,039 went to a lot of trouble to look her best. 442 00:23:25,041 --> 00:23:26,720 Here's how she did it. 443 00:23:26,721 --> 00:23:30,880 Hi, girls, ever look in the mirror and see this... 444 00:23:30,883 --> 00:23:33,362 when you were hoping to see this? 445 00:23:33,364 --> 00:23:35,364 Yeah, me too. That's why I follow... 446 00:23:37,326 --> 00:23:40,646 And now you can too. Just listen and learn. 447 00:23:41,928 --> 00:23:45,007 If you want your skin to be nice and smooth like mine, 448 00:23:45,009 --> 00:23:47,089 why not bathe in asses' milk? 449 00:23:49,051 --> 00:23:52,611 Eugh! How long has that been there? It really stinks. 450 00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:57,053 Enhance those eyes by painting them with black lead. 451 00:23:59,695 --> 00:24:02,454 Hang on, isn't this like really poisonous? 452 00:24:02,456 --> 00:24:04,295 What are you trying to do to me? 453 00:24:04,297 --> 00:24:07,416 Looking better already? You bet I am. 454 00:24:07,418 --> 00:24:09,217 And this eye make-up repels flies. 455 00:24:09,219 --> 00:24:13,339 Well, I'm not surprised, it is poisonous. 456 00:24:14,621 --> 00:24:16,500 Bring a dash of colour to your cheeks 457 00:24:16,502 --> 00:24:18,421 with this red ochre made from clay. 458 00:24:18,423 --> 00:24:21,342 Clay? What, like they make pots out of? 459 00:24:21,344 --> 00:24:25,104 Actually, that does kind of work. Amazing, isn't it? 460 00:24:26,546 --> 00:24:28,185 And now for the final touch. 461 00:24:28,187 --> 00:24:31,826 That beauty accessory that no female Pharaoh is complete without - 462 00:24:31,828 --> 00:24:33,188 a beard. 463 00:24:39,231 --> 00:24:41,390 It's not funny, it just tickles. 464 00:24:41,392 --> 00:24:44,991 It's all true. 100% accu-rat. 465 00:24:44,994 --> 00:24:46,953 Pharaohs were supposed to be men, 466 00:24:46,955 --> 00:24:49,034 so Cleopatra had to wear a false beard 467 00:24:49,036 --> 00:24:50,755 whenever she did a sacred task, 468 00:24:50,756 --> 00:24:53,235 like pray for the sun to come up every morning. 469 00:24:53,237 --> 00:24:56,396 Personally, I like girls with a bit of facial hair. 470 00:24:56,399 --> 00:24:59,519 But then, I would, wouldn't I? I am a rat. 471 00:25:15,727 --> 00:25:19,246 The answer is...all three were used in medicines 472 00:25:19,248 --> 00:25:21,488 by ancient Eqyptian doctors. 473 00:25:32,694 --> 00:25:35,573 Oh, it's really sore. 474 00:25:35,574 --> 00:25:37,895 Try not to touch it, the doctor will be round soon. 475 00:25:37,896 --> 00:25:40,255 Good. What are the doctors like round here? 476 00:25:40,257 --> 00:25:43,816 Yeah, they're very professional and... 477 00:25:43,818 --> 00:25:47,497 OK, for some reason we don't understand, 478 00:25:47,500 --> 00:25:51,259 they all seem to be from different historical periods 479 00:25:51,261 --> 00:25:53,380 and their methods are quite frankly...mad. 480 00:25:53,382 --> 00:25:56,821 Good morning, Mrs Carter, I'm Dr Jenkins. 481 00:25:56,824 --> 00:25:59,783 You're in luck, he's one of our modern doctors. 482 00:25:59,785 --> 00:26:01,064 Oh, thank goodness. 483 00:26:01,065 --> 00:26:04,304 - So what seems to be the...? - So sorry I'm late. 484 00:26:04,307 --> 00:26:06,666 My name's Dr Isis and I'm from ancient Egypt. 485 00:26:06,668 --> 00:26:08,467 - I'll take it from here. - Of course. 486 00:26:08,468 --> 00:26:11,467 No, don't go. You know what they're like. 487 00:26:11,470 --> 00:26:14,629 He'll do a load of weird stuff to her and she'll probably 488 00:26:14,631 --> 00:26:16,110 end up dying or something. 489 00:26:16,112 --> 00:26:19,831 Nonsense, I've had all the latest ancient Egyptian medical training. 490 00:26:19,833 --> 00:26:23,352 Now, that is a nasty gash above the right eye. 491 00:26:23,355 --> 00:26:25,674 I'd be tempted to rub some honey into that. 492 00:26:25,676 --> 00:26:28,875 - See? - Honey is actually a rather good antiseptic. 493 00:26:28,877 --> 00:26:31,157 Ideal for treating a wound such as that. 494 00:26:32,078 --> 00:26:34,757 Oh, well, what about the pain? 495 00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:37,958 Well, I've got some dried leaves from a myrtle bush here in my bag. 496 00:26:37,961 --> 00:26:40,360 I'd probably feed the patient a few of those. 497 00:26:40,362 --> 00:26:42,201 He wants her to eat leaves? 498 00:26:42,202 --> 00:26:45,321 Yes, but myrtle leaves are very rich in salicylic acid. 499 00:26:45,324 --> 00:26:47,523 It's a basic form of things like aspirin, 500 00:26:47,525 --> 00:26:50,004 So ideal for treating mild pain. 501 00:26:50,006 --> 00:26:51,805 Actually, I feel quite sick now. 502 00:26:51,806 --> 00:26:56,045 I've got just the thing for that. A lovely bit of limestone. Mmm. 503 00:26:56,048 --> 00:26:57,527 He wants her to eat a rock. 504 00:26:57,529 --> 00:26:59,528 Yes, limestone is calcium carbonate. 505 00:26:59,530 --> 00:27:03,049 Powdered up, it's the same as we use to treat stomach complaints today. 506 00:27:03,051 --> 00:27:06,090 I'd say that Dr Isis actually has some very good treatments. 507 00:27:06,092 --> 00:27:07,371 What? 508 00:27:07,373 --> 00:27:10,932 Looks like there could be a little infection there, what do you think? 509 00:27:10,934 --> 00:27:13,333 Yes, that could lead to blindness. 510 00:27:13,335 --> 00:27:16,094 Which I would treat by mashing up a pig's eye 511 00:27:16,097 --> 00:27:19,776 with a little bit of honey and a little bit of red powder 512 00:27:19,778 --> 00:27:22,578 and then pouring the mixture into the patient's ear. 513 00:27:23,660 --> 00:27:25,739 Yeah, he's mad. Get him. 514 00:27:25,741 --> 00:27:29,220 No! How dare you, I'm not mad. 515 00:27:29,222 --> 00:27:31,182 Aaaagh, mummy! 516 00:27:37,782 --> 00:27:40,301 Want to travel through the time sewers with me? 517 00:27:40,302 --> 00:27:43,501 Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures. 518 00:27:43,502 --> 00:27:47,382 Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. 519 00:27:47,432 --> 00:27:51,982 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0